Sanctuary

"Our listening creates a sanctuary for the homeless within another person."

— Rachel Naomi Remen

The deepest listening rarely involves speaking

I captured Dr. Remen's quote at the end of a coach training call last spring. It struck a chord that resonated even more deeply after I met Anita Moorjani at Omega a month later.

Anxiety can hang out like a homeless person, unattached and unsupported, wandering about in our minds, not knowing where to turn. Nowhere to go. Nowhere to land. Unmoored and tossed about in a storm of worried thought. How much better we feel when we share our concern with another who receives it with unconditional love and no judgment. When our worry finds safe harbor in a sacred, secure place in their heart. A sanctuary.

This truth hits home when we enter a crisis, especially one affecting our health. Anita's perspective on cancer care sends an arrow to the heart of this topic - the need to feel supported. To believe both in the care you receive and the caregivers who provide it. But equally important is that you retain your power in those relationships with respect to your health. That you love yourself unconditionally and not abdicate authority over your condition and course of treatment to those providing care and support. That you give yourself permission to make these calls.

Owning that can be a monumental task while anxiety remains homeless, wandering around inside you. If you relate to this, find sanctuary for your worry in someone you trust. One who can wrap your concerns in a blanket of love and lay it down to rest without judgment. One who supports you by honoring your power. Honoring your decisions. Honoring the wisdom that emerges as the unconditional love you have for yourself and one another brings peace and calm and clarity.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of that homeless guest, providing sanctuary for another's cares, revel in the gift it brings. My wife, Sarah, spent an afternoon with a dear friend in hospice care last summer. She welcomed Diane into her sanctuary, wrapped in their deep, abiding friendship and love. Diane passed soon after. I don't know if she had a homeless guest in need of safe harbor that day. But I do know this. If she did, it was there, and Sarah received at least as much as she gave.

Mother of Exiles

The New Colossus

Colossus of Rhodes
watching over a gateway to Greece

Mother of Exiles
watching over a
gateway to peace

"Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame, with conquering limbs astride from land to land; here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand a mighty woman with a torch, whose flame is the imprisoned lightning, and her name Mother of Exiles.
From her beacon-hand glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command the air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she with silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

- Emma Lazarus, 1883


The Context

Blind and sad, Prairie Johnson pleads with the park ranger to read the writing on a plaque she's been standing beside all day, waiting with lost hope that her father would appear. He does so kindly, on the condition she board the ferry to leave Ellis Island. The hour is late. The park is closing. This poignant moment in the Netflix series, "The OA," brings tears to my eyes.

My grandfather came to America through Ellis Island aboard a ship from Italy. I don't know what motivated his father to leave their homeland, but he clearly had a vision for a better life. Born in 1900, my grandfather, Papa, was six when he arrived on these shores. He was in his sixties when I formed my first clear memories of him, and in his eighties when he passed. Over those twenty years, his love of life and profound appreciation and gratitude for his family and home in West Virginia, sank deep into me. He called it "Little Italy," or more precisely, "Little It'ly." He deeply loved both his roots and his wings.

As I listened to the ranger read these words to Prairie, I wondered how it escaped me that our Statue of Liberty is descended from another in antiquity. One that also celebrated freedom, standing watch over the Greek harbor at Rhodes, not far from Papa's homeland. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free..." is commonly quoted. But these thirteen words don't do justice to the message of the full text emblazoned on the bronze plaque that welcomed immigrants to America, Mother of Exiles, for over sixty years. Moreover, I was struck by the absence in the common quote, of the final phrase that completes this thought, "...the wretched refuse of your teeming shore."

The Contrast

I am much more aware now of the impact our cultural heritage has on our lives and how we move through the world. It is foundational in ontological coaching, and I am tuned into this with my clients. I was moved by these words on many levels. As kids, we begged Papa to teach us to speak Italian. He refused. And he told us why. He was afraid we would develop an Italian accent. He feared for the discrimination he was sure would result. That was his experience and he would not risk that with his grandchildren. So we only learned one phrase from him, "capo melone," meaning "melon head." Yes, little kids can be dense and exasperating at times. Guilty.

Lately, I seem to be magnetized to the contrast between the best and worst of human nature between the world's cultures. I have been bombarded with "coincidences" that highlight the heroic exceptions within deep cultural prejudice, like the Greek connection this post has with my Putting the "Refuge" back into "Refugee" post several weeks ago.

"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!...
...Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

These bolded words ripped a gash through my awareness.

The Call

A poet chooses words like a weaver chooses fiber, carefully to suit its purpose. Emma Lazarus chose her words to reflect the America she knew. Born into a large Jewish family in New York City, her American roots sank deep into German and Portuguese soil and included Benjamin N. Cardozo, Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. Cardozo exemplified both opportunity and justice, being appointed to the highest court by President Herbert Hoover to succeed Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Emma's ancestral opportunity to live her truth, to be a poet, to be herself, sailed on the same seas that, "tempest-tost," carried the human cargo of her day, people standing on the shores of countries whose privileged populations regarded them as just so much "wretched refuse" to be disposed of by any means possible. In Emma's day, that was typically by ship. Today, millions of men, women, boys and girls stand metaphorically on homeland shores but homeless now, their backs against a wall of apathy at best, and cruelty at worst.

Sixteen-year-old Noujain Mustaffa, the disabled, wheelchair-bound Syrian refugee from my previous post, was welcomed with her sister on the shores of the Greek island of Lesbos. They climbed out of a rubber dinghy and into the spirit of the Colossus of Rhodes. There were kind, loving people there to greet them. People who saw Noujain and her sister not as human refuse, but as loving creations, like themselves, to be cared for.

I'm not suggesting we all leave our comfortable homes to go save the world, though some will. But I am suggesting that we can all participate in a shift. A shift in heart likened unto the New Colossus, the Mother of Exiles. A shift that leaves behind meaningless and divisive cultural distinctions. A shift that pushes aside prejudice. A shift that is braver and stronger than the fear that drives people into rubber dinghies to save their lives, and then shows up on the opposite shore to deny them refuge. We can be better than that. We can be stronger than that. We can love greater than that. Amen. Shalom. Namaste.

The Prison of Your Mind

I can tell you I am only an expert on one thing, and that’s how to be me, and I do it well.
— Sean Stephenson

Sean Stephenson, like no other, has the power to express what it means to "be yourself" by shaking you awake from any dream of self-pity that is standing in your way. If there were such a thing as having a right to that insecure mindset, Sean could own it. But Sean couldn't be further from that disempowering way of being.

In this TEDx talk at Ironwood State Prison, Sean shares three life lessons at the core of this truth - we are both the actors and authors of our lives. We write the script. We live the play. We create it all. And it's up to us to direct our life, to make the very best of all we have to give from where we are, being uniquely who we are.

I was born to rid this world of insecurity
— Sean Stephenson

Lesson #1  Never believe a prediction that doesn't empower you

"When I was born, the doctors told my parents that I would be dead within the first 24 hours of my life... If you believe predictions that do not empower you, you will wither away and die, either physically die or your spirit will die...  I have a belief that has served me in my life, and that is that everyone is rooting for me to win, even those that do not know it. If somebody pities me, they're wasting their time... because I have chosen a life of strength... The moment you feel sorry for another person, or the moment you feel sorry for yourself, you're hosed. You're totally, completely frozen in potential. You must only listen to that which empowers you."
 

Lesson #2  You are not your condition

"I am not disabled... the only disability is one's refusal to adapt. You have to adapt to whatever environment you're in. And what does adaption look like? I think it looks like celebration. Because when you meet people that are celebrating their life, you want to be around them, you want to learn from them, you want to do business with them, you want to hire them. Because if I believe that I am disabled, I would wither up, I would be shy, I would be insecure, I would be afraid, I would act like I need your help. And the rest of humanity would be OK with that, but I choose something else, I choose to be strong, I choose to be a leader, I choose to have words to move this planet. I'll tell you why I was born. And I hope it inspires you to find out why you were born. I was born to rid this world of insecurity. Because when a human being is insecure, they do stupid stuff. When we feel like we're not enough, we chase external validation, and external objects to try to tell us we're enough. You are enough."
 

Lesson #3  The only prison is in your mind

"I've met so many people that are so extremely successful and famous that are in "prison" because they're stuck in their minds, bullying themselves, pitying themselves. True freedom is dropping down out of that mind... drop into your hearts. What is it doing? It's sending emotional possibilities, infinite possibilities of choice in our behavior, in our life, in our attitude. When you love yourself, whether you're sleeping on a prison cot, or in a mansion, whether you have food in your belly, or you don't know when your next meal is coming, when you love yourself, when you learn to master your emotions, then and only then are you free."